It all started when the female human started smelling funny. Well, not funny. Different. She didn’t act different, didn’t pet me different, just smelled different. This was around 10.5 years ago, or a little over 1.5 human years ago.
Now there is a human puppy running around my house, pulling my hair, and barking at me all the time. I heard the humans calling her a baby. She gets all the attention now. She gets all the walks now. My life will never be the same again.
Here is my story.
2 weeks into pregnancy: 8/13/16
The female human smells different than normal. I notice it when I put my nose between her legs. I try to tell her by doing it all the time, but she doesn’t seem to notice me. Only pushes my face away and tells me to stop. But she needs to realize that something is wrong.
What if she’s in trouble?! I need to keep doing it.
5 weeks into pregnancy: 9/7/16
The humans finally realized what I’ve been trying to tell them. The female human marked this little pink stick with urine, maybe to tell the other humans it was hers? The way she keeps looking at it, it must be important. Anyway, now the two humans keep hugging, laughing, and talking on the phone to the nice, older humans that visit me sometimes. They are all talking in loud excited voices. I like to go get my toys when they get excited, sometimes they play with me when they’re all full of energy. I’ll go get my squeaker toy.
12 weeks into pregnancy: 10/12/16
The humans came back with a black and white picture of what I assume is an alien. The male human watches the TV shows about something called space all the time, maybe he saw the aliens they talk about and took a picture of it. The female human still smells funny, but she doesn’t seem to push my nose away anymore when I tell her. She knows, and doesn’t care. Must not be in danger. Thank goodness!
22 weeks into pregnancy: 12/27/17
The humans came back from their trip for the time each year where they put up the tasty pine tree in the house. My younger brother, Dexter, and I had a great time at the dog hotel. We told them all about the weird smelling female human. One of the older dogs told us a story about why she smells different. Something about how they have puppies. I wouldn’t mind another puppy in the house, I suppose. As long as it likes to play fetch like I do. Dexter is lazy and just watches me play all the time. Speaking of which, the humans are all excited again, so I’m going to go grab my squeaker toy.
31 weeks into pregnancy: 3/8/17
The female human told the male human that she needs to stay in shape. Her stomach has gotten larger than normal and the smell is getting very strong. When I put my head on her stomach I can hear a heart beat and feel rumbling. I must protect the female. I will not leave her side, even when she kicks me and tells me to get out of the way. Maybe I should listen to her when we’re going up and down the stairs. Either way, we get to go on walks every night after the humans finish eating! This is so great. Whatever is going on is the best thing ever! The male human is even taking me running at the park!
I’ve notice the humans eating on the couch more and eating food that smells way more delicious than their normal, healthy food that Dexter and I don’t like. I wonder if the weird smell has anything to do with the humans eating these different foods…
33 weeks into pregnancy: 3/17/17
I was sleeping at the male human’s feet while he was working when he got a phone call. Whatever it was, he started talking very loud and I got the feeling he was scared. Then he got out of his chair and started packing a square thing that means he’s going somewhere. Awesome, whenever they get that out it means Dexter and I get to go to the dog hotel! Where is the female human though, they usually pack the square thing together…?
In Labor: 3/18/17-3/19/17
The male human came back for only a very short time to let Dexter and me outside and to feed us. When I grabbed my squeaker toy, he just ignored me and left the house right away! Then sometime later that night he came back again. We waited for him on the couch downstairs, and when I grabbed my squeaker toy he just walked right past me and went right to bed. He seemed very nervous and scared. I heard the female human talking to him on the phone, but she still is not home. I wonder where she is. I hope she is ok.
Hospital Stay: 3/19/17-3/22/17
The female human’s mother came to the house. I remember her from when we visit after a long car ride. She is very nice. Always throws my squeaker toy when I bring it to her and lets us outside a lot while she eats something that makes a bad smelling smoke. We like hanging out with this human!
Over the next few days, the male human keeps coming to the house to get stuff, but doesn’t stay long. One of the days, he put a blanket that smelled very strange under my nose, then under Dexter’s nose. I’m not sure what this means. It didn’t smell like anything either of us had ever smelled before, and we’ve met a lot of dogs and a lot of humans. It smelled remotely like the female human has lately though. I hope she’s ok.
Bringing home the baby: 4/4/17
Today we met the thing that has been growing in the female human over the last 6 years. Every time Dexter and I tried to smell it, the male human got in the way, telling us to be careful. We’re not going to eat it or anything! We just wanted to see what it was. It doesn’t look like it can do much. Barely even opened its eye to look at us. Then made some very loud sounds that scared me and Dexter.
First month with the baby
The humans spend a lot of time in what they call the nursery. It’s upstairs next to where the male human works. The humans had been spending a lot of time in there to decorate and build wood items before the little human came home, but I didn’t think much of it. Now, every time Dexter and I go in, they shoo us out. All they do is hang out with the little human. And it makes so much noise! All day and all night when I’m trying to sleep it wakes me up. The nerve of this little human.
There have been a lot of human visitors, so that has been fun! Friends of the humans, older humans that I recognize as the mom and dad humans, even a slightly larger little human came over to see us. He was fun. Every time I grabbed my squeaker toy for him he would throw it! If this is what our little human will be like soon, then that isn’t so bad. He couldn’t have been more than 15 dog years older than our little human? I just wish our humans had more time for us.
Second month with the baby
This is getting old. The humans never seem to have time for us. And it’s getting so hot outside that Dexter and I don’t want to play anymore, so we have to play in the house. But when I get my squeaker, the male human doesn’t throw it. He just feeds the little human.
Dexter and I have come up with a plan. The next time the humans leave we are going to chew up little human’s stuff. That will teach her who is the boss around here!
Third month with the baby
Well, the humans have restricted us to the downstairs. They put some kind of white barrier up on the stairs. I cannot figure out how to defeat it, so we are stuck down here. Our plan to destroy the little human’s stuff seems to have backfired on us. In order for her to get the message, we chewed a few plastic toys, one of her blankets, and a bunch of diapers. Well, I ate the diapers.
For good measure, we also chewed up a bunch of the male human’s papers. We figured that would get their attention so they would realize that we were not being treated equally to the little human. But what does it get us? Banned to the downstairs, where all there is to do is sit on this couch. Sure, we have toys down here and tons of bones to chew, but what fun is that?
Fourth month with the baby
We haven’t gone on a walk with the humans in so long! Today we saw a little human toy that the humans forgot to put away before they left the house. Ha! So even though we were banned to the downstairs, we still got some revenge. Take that, little human!
The little human continues to be mean to us. When she touches us, she puts her paws in our mouths and pulls our hair. Then barks at us really loud. She might be having fun, but this hurts!
So the little human is around 4.5 years old now, eight months I think in human years. Things have gotten a lot better. Now that she can sit on her own, we can play around her without the male human getting angry. And almost every night, now that it’s cooler outside, we get to go out and play! The male human even throws the ball for me!
She has learned to pet us without pulling our hair, doesn’t seem to be making as much noise, and even sleeps when we do! I’m actually starting to like this little human. The only complaint I have is the amount of toys the little human gets. What have we gotten in the last 6 years? Nothing! She gets all kinds of stuff.
Either way, I guess things could be worse. And the little human goes to sleep before the other humans do, so we get to cuddle on the couch for a while at night after the humans eat dinner.
Hopefully I don’t smell that smell on the female human again anytime soon, though, now that things are back to normal!
I hope you’ve enjoyed my story. To any other dogs out there that smell their female human, beware. It means things around the house are going to change forever.
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